Let’s talk about sex.
And related matters.
My Queen has a lot on her plate. She runs a program called Sitara, which is essentially a space where ladies can speak freely to someone without being judged – be it about marriage, relationship drama or the dilemmas of life in general. As a result of her work with Sitara, she often gets called to speak at bridal showers as well.
Which is where my fascination began.
I’ve always wondered what happens at bridal showers, and being the guy that I am, I did ask a few of my female friends. There is the cooking, and the making of a home, and the making the man happy, and others. A couple of times, according to my beloved friends, there is a Swahili aunt. This is where it gets fun.
The Swahili aunt – going by what I’m told – shares with the bride of the day (or night) all the secrets of fascinating womanhood. From blowing his mind in the kitchen, to blowing his mind in the bedroom, to simply blowing. (I will not elucidate that last one. You get the idea.)
When the bride leaves her shower, she leaves with clear direction on what she needs to do to make her man happy and make the marriage work for both of them. And yes, that’s down to the specifics of how she will perform a screwdriver.
Above: When you mention “screwdriver” to the average man.
I love that women have this. I love that women have a space where they can learn what they consider useful for their relationships. That they can go into a room with their friends to listen to someone else share what them what has made their own relationship work. That they can freely talk about sex and how to make it better.
Right there. Therein lies my question: So, where will the men learn?
You see, I’ve come to learn that sex isn’t something to just ‘do’. Just ‘doing’ may work initially – in fact, it’s the stuff the movies portray – but over time, you have to be deliberate about it. You may be good now, but your true measure lies in whether you retain – even GROW – that excitement a year or more down the line. You have to be more intentional. You have to tease intelligently. For us men, it’s a simple “ON/OFF” switch most of the time, but for women, sex is in the mind well before you are even physically present. By the time the two of you are in the same room, she’ll have to have had you ten different ways till Sunday in her mind for the sex to knock her socks off.
Unfortunately, seeing as that’s not how we men are wired, we often miss this little detail. We forget to send out a warm text in the middle of the morning meeting. We forget to call over lunch hour and tell our queens how much we miss them. We forget to WhatsApp them at 3pm to tell them what part of their body we miss the most. (Play that last one classy, gentlemen. You can’t be crude about it.)
Yet is there a place where men can learn these things? Where can a man learn how to sext his queen in a way that leaves her quivering? Where can a man learn how to ask his queen about what pleases her? Where can a man get a how-to guide on switching between gentleness and ferocity? Where do we learn how to blow their minds?
Don’t be fooled: I’m still learning some of this stuff. And in learning, I have found that the best person to show me what my Queen needs is the Queen herself. And that’s a first step – a step that, if I may suggest, more of us men should take more often. It’s tough, believe me, I know. It’s tough coming face-to-face with what you may not know.
Yet I have a different way of looking at it: I want to know more. I want to become better. And if with every time I ask there’s the possibility I’ll get better, then you can be sure I’ll keep asking. I’ll stay hungry. I’ll keep learning.
Maybe, just maybe, this is where men can start learning: By asking our queens.
Not all women are formed in the same template – it’s the nature of humanity as a whole. Some will enjoy a phone call, others a handwritten note, a dirty DM… You may never know until you ask.
Consider it an experiment, a challenge even. Your motivation? Imagine your queen grinning sheepishly throughout tomorrow because you learnt a new trick she taught you. Imagine her blush when she sees your caller ID, in memory of the games you played last night.
This is not just about the sex, by the way: Beyond that, your queen is the only one (right after God) that knows the king she needs you to be. She’s the only one that can tell you when she needs you to listen to her; when she needs you to fix a problem for her; when she needs you to be gentle with her… My Queen is my first point of learning when I need to understand her. Perhaps we all need to get back to this point – a point where we consciously and consistently sought to understand her.
Let’s start from there.
Ask her: “How may I please you today?”
It may be anything.
See how the games go.
You may be pleasantly surprised.